I was kind of kidding when I told Ellen I would do this blog with her. I have a lot of things inside I want to say… I just don’t want anyone to hear them. I don’t like people reading what I write or hearing how I feel. When someone reads what I write in front of me or finds out my true thoughts, this is how it feels: It feels like my skin has turned inside out and the person reading or hearing my words is pouring salt on me. I hate it. What I write comes from inside of me and I am an intensely private person and I do not want other people to see inside me. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I am afraid they will see the real me and find me lacking. Maybe I dislike conflict so much I am afraid to anger people or alienate people or make people feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable. Maybe I don’t want people to think less of me for my opinions. Maybe it’s all these things. Regardless, I am a quiet observer. I think many thoughts; I rarely speak them unless I know you quite well.
This is pretty much the opposite of my sister. Growing up, I kind of felt like damage control for her unapologetic propensity to speak her mind. She did not care if she made people angry. In fact, that was probably often her goal. She wanted to probe others into conflict in order to make them question their beliefs and truly examine their motives. I hate conflict, so I always came behind her and tried to soothe it over and calm her down. Conflict makes me feel endangered, like I’m not safe no matter which side I choose or where I go so I kind of shut down. Conflict feeds her fire. We aren’t very much alike.
Honestly, I always felt like the weaker of the two of us… the older sister somewhat overshadowed by the younger. I was the “shy one” on the sidelines, quietly observing her fiery feats.
I feel differently now, about myself at least. She is still the same force to be feared. I know now that there is strength in silence too, and that there is profound power in making peace even when that peace comes with great compromise. I know now that the world needs both kinds of strengths. The world needs those who are not afraid to speak their minds, and the world needs those who quietly observe, process, and evaluate. The world needs conflict starters and conflict enders. The world needs tough love and soft love. There is no right way to be.
I never thought of myself as strong, but now I know I’m differently strong. I’m differently, quietly strong.
So I said yes to this blog, because we both have voices to share. We both have offerings we can make. I am sure we will not always agree, and I am sure I will sometimes be uncomfortable by the things that are posted here. Each person’s opinion is her own. I was never good at controlling her then, but I’ve stopped trying to tame her now. I need her kind of strength, and now I see that she needs mine.