And so, the seasons of grief have come to pass, each new milestone of loss giving way to the next, each holiday and occasion becoming redefined without you. I don’t think there will ever be a sadder Christmas than that of 2016. To me, you were Christmas. All that is Christmas was at your house with all the people and all the love and all the memories I have are there. So without you was just loss, and Christmas Eve was no longer magical, and sadness reigned. And I tried, I really tried to carry it on for my girls, but in between the new memories there were tears for Christmas Eves past.
It’s devastating to me that now the house will celebrate with a new family, as if the years and years and years of love could be so easily replaced… But I know a house is just a house and the Christmas you gave me is inside me. That’s what my mind tells my heart. But my heart aches with the passing of days, with the memories I try to cling to as they quickly slip away. This is the way, though. My job now is to create new memories for my little people and to take all that you taught me and showed me and pass it on to the next generation, but it feels so difficult as I sit here in the loss of you.
My beautiful, brave, courageous, outspoken, dominating grandmother, it’s just that you left so suddenly… You gave so much to the world, and you lived your life with such a purpose, and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I’ll never be ready to say goodbye. And I won’t ever say goodbye to your example, to your belief in the goodness of all people, to your desire to help even the person at his lowest rise a little higher. You believed in good. You believed in mankind. You believed in leading a servant life and in setting an example for us all to do the same. You shaped me. I’ve never felt better than or more important than anyone, but damn if I didn’t feel luckier than anyone for the love that surrounded me always. You gave that love freely to all. So many were family to you. Your heart was open and you tirelessly gave of yourself for others. Your example drives me in all that I hope to do. I carry you with me.
And each new day brings a new loss. A new memory that you won’t know, that you won’t shape…A birthday passing with no song, a wedding with an empty seat, a yellow leaf falling in a yard that no longer belongs to us, a summer standing at the ocean shore and feeling your presence in each crashing wave…
The world changed on that day we lost you. The whole world shifted and tilted inside of me and outside too, and I’m still struggling to regain my balance. We are all still teetering in this new reality, seeking to keep alive the ideals you cultivated in us. But I won’t lie; it’s hard Grandmother.
On election night 2016, I got this text from my dad:
“Around midnight, Ruthie said she did not feel that this is a small world after all. We agreed that the world seems larger & scarier now.”
The next day, you were gone. It hurts so much that you left a world you worked so hard to make smaller and more beautiful feeling like that progress had been reversed or was never truly there at all.
But I know what you meant– our country feels less beautiful, it feels scarier, it feels hostile… This has nothing to do with politics and everything to do with human dignity, with the worth of all the beautiful people whose differences weave a fabric I still believe in but see that many others do not.
It’s a hard world, but you knew that already. You fought your battles bravely and you shielded us from the pain of it, but now it’s ours to carry. I wasn’t ready to shoulder the burden, but it was time for you to lay it down. On that Tuesday, the world shifted. On that Wednesday, you said goodbye. And after a year of Tuesdays and Wednesdays later, I’m still finding my balance in this new reality.
I miss you. I am blessed beyond measure for the gifts you gave me. I will always cling to the future you fought for. You would be so proud of us Downses, Grandmother. We are closer than ever. We are holding strong. We are less than without you, and I don’t imagine that that will change. But we will change. We will fill the void in ways that would make you happy. We will live your example. I love you. One day, I will see you again.